This past month

I'm not sure how to really cover everything that's happened in the last month since my post about the whole brain radiation treatments. A few days after we learned about the brain, I was informed by my doctors that the disease had begun spreading rapidly within the abdomen again, only this time, they were out of ideas.

I'm not sure there is any way to react when someone tells you that he believes you only have a few months to live. It's not as if I was completely blindsided. I knew that if my latest chemo regiment failed, there would be nothing left to try. But finally hearing the words is a different story. I don't think there is anything that can possibly prepare you for those words.

I tried to stay positive, reminding myself that this is just one man's opinion. He's not God - he doesn't get to decide what ultimately happens to me. Unfortunately, that is a great attitude to have, but an unbelievably difficult attitude to maintain.

I had mixed emotions, but fear and grief were not in the mix. I stopped being afraid a long time ago when I came to the realization that all I can do is give my best effort and the rest is out of my control. The same thing with grief. The strongest feelings I had were anger and frustration. I always believed, and to some extent I still do believe, that when a person gives his or her best effort in life, that person will achieve his or her goals, no matter what.

I have not cheated myself in this battle in any way. I have done all the treatments, never taking the easy way out. I tried my best not to complain, just to keep my heart beating. I guess I never thought that someone who does things the right way can be denied in life. Maybe I won't be denied - there is always hope.

But like everything else in life, this has been a learning experience for me, and I know realize that a person can do everything right and still not get his way. That's just part of life. I think the important thing is how to deal with those setbacks. Sadly, all the work I've put in to this point to get better would become completely meaningless if I throw in the towel now. It's just not the right way to live. It's not how we get rewarded. I think it's called faith.

So, I will continue fighting this battle the only way I know how - head on. I have a lot more to write about this past month, including my trip to India and my new treatment. Be back later this week.