Treatment Failure

It saddens me to say that my latest treatment regiment appears to be failing. I got updated testing done this past week and it went in the wrong direction. The results were very typical to those of previous cycles, where I initially responded very well to the treatment, but the effectiveness eventually wore off. It's the exact same pattern I've encountered since the initial treatment cycle in Hong Kong.

My doctors are at a loss. The general opinion is that there is a resistant component to my tumor that refuses to die no matter what treatment I try - and I have tried A LOT. Unfortunately, overcoming this resistance is something my doctors are not sure how to do. It could be that nothing exists in this day and age that can kill these resistant cells. I'm inclined to believe that there is something out there in this world that can cure it, but one can only research so much.

I'm more overcome with frustration and mental fatigue than remorse. I've already come to terms with the fact that I can't control the outcome here - all I can do is fight hard and never quit. But what bothers me more than anything is thinking about how much longer I am going to have to live this compromised lifestyle, with some kind of treatment, doctor appointment or test always waiting for me around the corner. It really is no way to live a life - especially for 2+ years.

I look at my youth and strength going into this as a double-edged sword - good because it has given me the strength to cope with extremely aggressive treatments, but bad because as long as
I can deal with them, I will keep getting them, and I'm going to stay weak and tired.

There is really no plan at this point - we are consulting with many doctors to figure out next steps. I'm sure another door will open, let's just hope it's the right door.

I don't mean to appear weak and negative. In fact, I feel like in these difficult times it's most important to have faith and dig deep to stay positive, and as always, I'll do my best.

Great weekend

I returned home last night after an amazing weekend in Tampa attending my friend's wedding. I have not had very many opportunities over the past few years to get away for a weekend, and this was truly one of the best weekends I've had in a long, long time. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I've felt so completely and totally relaxed and free - it's been over 2 years.

Something about being away from home and with a great group of people at a joyous occasion cleared my mind, and for a few days, I didn't think about the burden here.

It is true what people say - when going through difficulties, sometimes the best medicine is to just go out, clear your mind, and completely immerse yourself in fun, happy activities. The link between mind and body is very real, and when your mind is at peace, your body begins to heal. That's how I felt this weekend. Even though I wasn't getting to sleep on time, eating my meals on time or maintaining my strict diet, I didn't feel any worse - in fact, I felt ten times better because I was enjoying myself and not worrying.

Hopefully there will be many more weekends like this past one to come. I want to congratulate my friends Ibrahim and Shabnam, and thank all my friends, Adam, Yousuf, Abid, Naeem, Asad, Mujtaba, Mufaddal and AK for a truly awesome weekend.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. This was truly a great moment in my life - a memory that I will keep for a very long time.

I'm back on chemo tomorrow. These next few weeks will be a challenge, but I am ready to face it.

3 cycles in the books

Happy Saturday to everyone. This past Tuesday I received the 2nd and final dose of my 3rd chemo cycle. The duration of this treatment is still TBD - my doctor would like for it to continue if it is working successfully and I am tolerating the side effects - but I would say I'm approx. halfway done at this point.

I feel it starting to catch up with me a bit physically. This week I was a bit under the weather and my energy level was very low. I went to work on Wednesday, but just couldn't muster enough energy to get to the office the rest of the week. But mentally I am relaxed and confident. All will be well, and as soon as I'm off treatment I hope to begin exercising more vigorously as my energy level should return to normal.

Next weekend I'm off to a friends wedding so I will try and post beforehand. If not, I will be back mid-next week when my chemo starts up again.

I hope everyone is doing well...

Update

Hey everyone. The weekend is almost over out here in LA so I thought I'd post a quick update on the progress of my treatment before things pick up again tomorrow. This was an extremely difficult week for me overall - for some reason it was one of the more mentally draining weeks I've had in some time. It was one of those weeks where my patience was truly put to the test.

I had my chemo on Tuesday, and due to some side effects caused by the medication I am getting right now I'm restricted from doing a lot of things because of fatigue and CNS sensitivity. So, what ends up happening is during my treatment week is that I end up spending 90% of my time at home until the side effects wear off. I don't mean to complain, but it really wore me down. I tried my best to stay calm and remain patient, but everyone around me (friends, coworkers, etc.) is moving so fast that I feel left behind.

But it's ok, for this is only temporary. I believe that my level of patience has increased considerably, and patience is helping me cope. I keep trying to remind myself that everyone is tested in different ways in this life, and it's how one responds to that test that determines if he or she is successful. And I won't quit now.

More treatment this coming Tuesday, followed by my break and more test results. The roller coaster continues, but I'm confident it will be over soon.

Riding My Train

"Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. it's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere."

-Barack Obama

I have always been someone who looks to the future. I used to constantly plan and think about my next move in life, and what I needed to do to achieve those goals. When I was diagnosed in March 2007, I didn't waste any time coming up with a plan to get myself back on track once my treatment was completed. I figured I would go through 3-4 months of treatment in Hong Kong, go into remission, get back to working full time shortly thereafter, and eventually move back to the US where I would attend grad school, get married and start a family.

If you asked me then where I saw myself in the summer of 2009, 'living at home with my parents still undergoing chemotherapy' would have been the last thing from my mouth. But, as I've unfortunately come to find out, you can't always expect things to work out according to a plan. I am still living at home going through treatment. I have not been able to accomplish any of the personal and professional goals I set out for myself since then.

The fact that this battle has not ended used to make me very angry and depressed. I felt like my peers and I were all riding on the same train. Everyone wanted to reach the final destination (successful life, money, family, big house, etc.) as quickly as possible, and nobody wanted to get off. When I was diagnosed, I was basically pushed off the train, and I wanted nothing more to get back on as soon as I could. I would reach the last stop later than everyone else, but at least I would still get there.

But what I've come to realize over the past few years is that we're not all on the same train. We're on separate trains, each one traveling at its own speed, headed in its own unique direction. The difficulty, of course, is that we don't have any idea which train we're on, and often times that makes us believe we're headed in the wrong direction. But rather than stressing out about why you're not headed the same way as your friends or co-workers, it's better to relax and enjoy the ride.

Ultimately, this requires a great deal of patience, a virtue that I definitely lacked when this battle began. When you're going in a different, seemingly wrong direction than your friends, it's mentally taxing.

But there are no wrong directions. We're meant to end up in different places, accomplishing different goals along the way. Maybe I am meant to achieve something different what my friends are meant to achieve. The key is being patient enough to work-hard and endure the times of uncertainty so that you can be rewarded in the end.

It may seem ironic that I write about the merits of patience and perseverance since my fight is not over yet, but I know from my own experience that it's the only way to tough it out. I believe that things will work out for the best, so allowing frustration and anxiety to rule my life doesn't make sense.

I'm going to enjoy the ride.