The Recurrence - Dealing with Setbacks

"Life is a series of experiences, each of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward."

Henry Ford

A very very close friend suggested that I spend some time on this blog sharing the specific thoughts and feelings I had as I encountered significant setbacks over the past 2 years.

One of the most devastating setbacks I experienced since my diagnosis was the recurrence, which was detected in February of 2008. This was almost 1 year after my initial diagnosis. I had just returned from Tampa Bay where I had attended a funeral for a very close friend (something I will be posting about later on), and I was due for my routine checkup.

When the doctor called with the abnormal blood test result, it was actually my Mom who answered the phone. She then relayed the message to me and my Dad, and we were crushed. It felt like someone took a large hammer and smashed to pieces all the hope that had been building up in my mind since going into remission 4 months prior. The hope of returning to my normal life, going back to work, meeting that special someone and putting this all behind me. With one phone call, boom! It was gone.

At first I was consumed with anger. I was angry at my doctor, at the world and at God. I couldn't believe that after all I had been through, all the suffering and pain I had endured from my chemo and surgeries, all the sacrifices my family had made, the disease was still lingering. I couldn't understand how me dying from this disease would positively impact the world.

After anger came fear. We had already exhausted so many treatment options in that year, and all that was left was fairly experimental with little track record for success. I didn't want to go through more chemo, but more importantly, I didn't want to go through chemo where the doctors had no idea what the chances of success would be. Beyond that, I began to fear how my family would handle this latest challenge - would my parents be able to cope with the pressure? Would my brother be able to focus on school knowing this was happening to me back home? More treatment meant putting the return to my normal life on hold for much longer than I had ever anticipated. Having to think through all the possibilities was an agonizing experience.

After fear came self-pity. At the time I was still at that point where I was feeling sorry for myself, and this setback only made it worse. All that anger and fear building up corrupted my mind and made me wonder why I should even bother continuing to fight. Sometimes I thought to myself, even if I get through this, is my future quality of life going to be good enough where it's worth it?

Looking back now on the chain of emotions I experienced, I realize that what I was feeling at that time was very normal. It was ok for me to be angry and afraid given the new developments and what it meant about my future. The key, though, was not giving up mentally. Deep down, in my soul or subconscious or whatever you want to call it, I never let myself quit. And I believe that's why I'm still carrying on today.

There's a big difference between physically quitting and mentally quitting. Physically quitting would have meant not going for the next treatment at all, an option I would never have even considered. Mentally quitting would have meant following through the treatment, but giving up all hope that the treatment had any chance of working. This attitude would have doomed me from the start. Mentally quitting is like throwing in the towel before the Round 1 bell even rings.

What I learned from going through the recurrence is that setbacks are an essential part of life and everyone must deal with them. Setbacks help to build your inner-strength and confidence, and if you're not having any, you're probably going the wrong way. But when you encounter a setback, you cannot let the anger, fear and uncertainty caused by this event allow you to mentally quit on your goal. Do everything you can to ensure that mentally, you're continuing to fight and work hard to achieve what you want. For me, this motivation came from my strong desire to live a long life and positively impact this world in some way.

Developing and maintaining that mental focus has allowed me to get to where I am today. And even though I have since faced additional setbacks in my battle, I feel that by not quitting on myself mentally, I am doing everything in my power to live the right way. No matter how this turns out for me, the fact that I didn't quit is something that I will always be proud of.

Be well...