This past month

I'm not sure how to really cover everything that's happened in the last month since my post about the whole brain radiation treatments. A few days after we learned about the brain, I was informed by my doctors that the disease had begun spreading rapidly within the abdomen again, only this time, they were out of ideas.

I'm not sure there is any way to react when someone tells you that he believes you only have a few months to live. It's not as if I was completely blindsided. I knew that if my latest chemo regiment failed, there would be nothing left to try. But finally hearing the words is a different story. I don't think there is anything that can possibly prepare you for those words.

I tried to stay positive, reminding myself that this is just one man's opinion. He's not God - he doesn't get to decide what ultimately happens to me. Unfortunately, that is a great attitude to have, but an unbelievably difficult attitude to maintain.

I had mixed emotions, but fear and grief were not in the mix. I stopped being afraid a long time ago when I came to the realization that all I can do is give my best effort and the rest is out of my control. The same thing with grief. The strongest feelings I had were anger and frustration. I always believed, and to some extent I still do believe, that when a person gives his or her best effort in life, that person will achieve his or her goals, no matter what.

I have not cheated myself in this battle in any way. I have done all the treatments, never taking the easy way out. I tried my best not to complain, just to keep my heart beating. I guess I never thought that someone who does things the right way can be denied in life. Maybe I won't be denied - there is always hope.

But like everything else in life, this has been a learning experience for me, and I know realize that a person can do everything right and still not get his way. That's just part of life. I think the important thing is how to deal with those setbacks. Sadly, all the work I've put in to this point to get better would become completely meaningless if I throw in the towel now. It's just not the right way to live. It's not how we get rewarded. I think it's called faith.

So, I will continue fighting this battle the only way I know how - head on. I have a lot more to write about this past month, including my trip to India and my new treatment. Be back later this week.

Whole Brain radiation

This is going to be a quick update. I just wanted to let everyone know that my week of scans did not get off to a good start. The brain MRI from yesterday showed yet another tumor growing on the right side, the 4th one since January and 3rd since June. As the frequency with which these tumors are growing is becoming shorter, my doctor has recommended that I put aside gamma knife radiation and do something to try and treat the entire brain. So, I will be starting whole brain radiation shortly.

I'll explain in detail how it works in my next post, but the hope here is that the tiny microscopic cancer cells hiding in my brain, slowly developing into tumors, will be killed. This way we can completely stop, or at the very least reduce the frequency, of tumors from growing in the future.

Not a great day for me or my family. We were hoping this day would not have to come where we would be faced with choosing this treatment, but it's not in our hands. It just seems like the harder we try to get better, the more I do to get out of this, the worse the situation gets. It's a very difficult test and it makes you question all your beliefs at one time or another. Be back this weekend...

Update

I finished my fifth cycle of chemo this morning. I will be taking a few scans next week to determine exactly where I am in terms of disease in the liver, the brain, or anywhere else in the body. Last time we checked, the liver tumor had shrunk from 5 cm to 1 cm (a very good sign), so here's hoping that next week's scan shows that it has completely disappeared.

As far as the brain goes, I completed my gamma knife radiation treatment exactly 3 weeks ago today, and outside of a few minor side effects, it went well. We still need to check the tumor markers to make sure it was successful, but it worked the first 2 times in different areas of the brain, so I don't see why this time would be any different Next week's brain mri will also reveal if anything new is growing in the brain.

As I've mentioned in my previous few posts, the chemo is really starting to catch up with me now. It has been accumulating in my body since started this regiment back in May, and many of the side effects are beginning to linger for longer periods of time, particularly those related to my nervous system.

Neuropathy in my hands and feet has been the most difficult of my health issues as it effects every single thing I do everyday. Right now it is at a manageable level where I can live my life and do mostly all the things I would normally do. If it gets worse, it would make a lot of crucial and simple tasks, like writing, typing, driving and pretty much anything requiring fine motor skills, very difficult.

I think we're getting close to the finish line, though, so hopefully I won't need to put much more chemo into my body. I want to let the healing process begin.

I'll write more next week as gather more information. Finally, I want to say how happy I am about the Michigan football team's season opening win this past Saturday. If you know me, you know I'm a huge Michigan football fan, and that game was fantastic. I haven't been able to enjoy college football the last 2 seasons because I've been in hospitals going through treatments, but hopefully this year will be different. Go Blue!

Sacrifices of my family

I went to see my doctor this morning. I was supposed to have my next chemo day tomorrow, but because of some low blood counts, my doctor decided to push it to next week. More chemo will reduce my counts to possibly dangerous levels, and as I am just coming off a gamma knife brain radiation treatment, my doctor doesn't want all the hard work and sacrifice we've put in up till now to be ruined because of some other serious complications that could arise. Good decision.

So that means 4 straight days with no doctor's visits. What will I do with myself?

My family is busy fasting as it is Ramadan for us right now, a month that demands incredible sacrifice and patience. Just the fasting alone is a challenge, given the long days and the intense heat, but my family (my parents and brother) have been asked by God to go above and beyond, which they have and continue to do everyday.

This is now the third Ramadan we've spent with me going through some kind of treatment. In the fall of 2007, I was staying at UCLA hospital for three weeks for a stem-cell transplant, all 3 of which came during Ramadan. I remember how difficult it was for my parents. The room was small and dark, but I was suffering so much from that treatment, they decided to sleep there on an uncomfortable couch not even big enough for one person.

Every morning before sunrise, as is required during Ramadan, they would wake up and take a little food out of the tiny fridge in my room, heat it up and eat it, say their prayers and then try to catch a few more hours of sleep. Then, after sunset, they would do the same thing. They never ate well, just enough to barely fill their stomachs, and it was mostly all leftovers from the small room fridge.

They were, of course, exhausted and mentally drained from the fasting, and physically sore from their terrible sleeping arrangements. As if that wasn't enough, my treatment was not going well and I was very sick, so they were incredibly stressed. At many points I wasn't even well enough to sit up and talk to the doctors, so they had to do everything for me.

To make matters worse, I would end up waking them up in the middle of the night to help me with different things, so they really never slept for more than a few hours at a time.

I was often awake when they would get up to eat, and I'd watch them with sadness, wishing they could have been in a better situation. Somehow, amazingly, they made it through the month successfully, their faith and courage pulling them along.

Then, in the fall of 2008, we had to leave in the middle of Ramadan to fly to Indiana for another stem-cell transplant. None of us wanted to be displaced from our home and community during the month, but we had no choice. But again, my parents toughed it out, my dad never missing a single fast or prayer. He was a machine. I handled the treatment in Indiana far better than the treatment in UCLA, so my parents were slightly less stressed. They even let me out of their sights a few times, sleeping back at our temporary apartment, but then coming right back in the morning.

And I haven't even mentioned my brother, who was going through an intense pharmacy school program both years and didn't have the luxury of being with us. He had to do both months alone living in his dorm room trying to focus on his studies while the rest of us were going through tough times, which I know, he was constantly thinking about.

I guess I just wanted to write that I'm amazed at the sacrifices my family members have made these past few years, especially during Ramadan. Most people could not possibly imagine the determination it took to make it through those two Ramadan's with so much additional stress and pressure without breaking down or missing a fast.

I guess some would say that if you have no choice, it just naturally comes from inside of you. But I would argue that my parents and my brother had a choice. They could have chosen to not fast and avoid the additional physical and mental burden. But they didn't, and that makes me very proud to be part of my family.

Because when you have the discipline and determination to push through something, no matter how impossible it seems, you can push through it, and you will hopefully come out the other end stronger.

I'm hoping the remainder of Ramadan 2009 is a much less eventful year, where the only thing my family will have to contend with is not eating or drinking from sunrise to sunset. Piece of cake, right? I shouldn't have mentioned cake.

Gamma Knife - Third Time's a Charm

I completed a gamma knife radiation treatment this past Wednesday to fry my latest brain tumor - the third brain tumor I have now had develop. The gamma knife radiation technology is quite amazing, and has made the treatment of my brain tumors a simple, relatively pain-free half day procedure. As I mentioned in my previous post, the big outstanding question right now is how many more brain tumors might I get, and unfortunately, nobody knows the answer to that. Having the gamma knife done certainly is not as bad as a lot of the chemotherapy regiments I have been through, but that doesn't mean I like walking into that room and having an invisible x-ray laser pointed at my head.

I will resume my chemotherapy on Monday, as we continue to fight the battle with this disease within my body and try to completely eradicate all traces of disease from my liver.

Today is the beginning of a very holy month for my family and many of my friends, Ramadan. Unfortunately, due to the need to keep up my weight and strength while going through chemo, I will not be able to fast, as I'm supposed to do. But during this spiritual time, I do hope that my prayers are answered and I am granted a second chance at life. A chance to accomplish so many of the goals and realize the dreams I have for myself. I think that those who patiently persevere through difficult times are rewarded, so I will continue doing my best to fight on.

More Answers...More Questions

Hey everyone. Well...I mentioned in my last post that I would be going through a series of tests to figure out exactly why my tumor markers started going up again. Turns out there is some good news and some...not so good news (I don't like saying bad news).

I was worried that the current experimental treatment I've been on had failed and the cancer had continued spreading in my liver. Turns out I was wrong. A CT scan taken this past Monday actually revealed that the largest tumor had shrunk considerably, and smaller spots that were suspicious for disease had disappeared completely. Great news, right? Yes, except it doesn't explain why my tumor markers were going up.

Here's the not so good news. Since the lungs/abdomen appeared to have significantly improved, my doctor had me check the brain again with an MRI, and one tumor has been spotted. I will be going in next Wednesday to have it treated by gamma knife radiosurgery.

Now this isn't my first rodeo...it's the third brain tumor I've had, the first of which caused a major seizure, and my third gamma-knife radiation procedure. If you're wondering why this has happened to me 3 times now, it is because at some point in the past few years, tumor cells entered my brain and nested there in various locations, most of which laying dormant. Now, these tumors are manifesting themselves little by little, and there really isn't anything I can do about it right now. My best strategy is to monitor and treat on a case-by-case basis, hoping that sooner or later they stop coming.

To be fair, there is one thing I could do, but it would involve radiating my entire brain and putting me at risk for serious side effects later on in life, and I'm not willing to make that choice unless it's the only one on the table, especially since it doesn't guarantee that future problems won't arise.

I mentioned more questions in my blog post title. There really is only one question in my mind - how many brain tumors will I have to deal with? And the answer is, I have no idea. Nobody does. That's part of this whole "being patient" thing I've had to learn how to do. I need to have faith that one day they will stop coming. It is possible.

So, to recap, I thought my treatment was failing, but it turns out my markers are increasing due to the brain tumor. The treatment itself appears to be working, and the plan is to keep going, as long as my body can take it. We'll treat the brain on Wednesday of next week, and then continue to monitor it through MRIs and treat on an as-needed basis.

More next week.

Patient perseverance

The hardest part of facing difficult circumstances in life is not knowing the outcome of those circumstances, particularly when it's a matter of life and death. In my case, dealing with the side effects of the treatments I have been through and facing the constant ups and downs of this battle would have been much less difficult if I knew everything was going to be ok. But, that's not how things work in this world, and I don't know the outcome. So how do you deal with this stomach-churning, stressful uncertainty? I guess the only way is patient perseverance.

Over the next few days I will be getting tests done to figure out exactly where the cancer is, if it has spread within the liver or from the liver back to other parts of my body, and how quickly I need to act. Then next week I plan on meeting with a doctor to discuss treatment options, however wild and crazy they may be.

Aside from continuing to be proactive to find solutions on my own, there's really nothing else for me to do this week except wait. There hasn't been much for to do in the past few years except wait. That's not to say I haven't done anything with my life, but there's only so much you can do when a doctor's appt, ct scan, blood test, surgery or chemo is waiting around the corner.

So how do I plan on waiting it out this week without letting myself get too worked up? I'll just do what I've been doing for some time now, pray and try and keep my mind still and peaceful. I'll probably throw in some deep breathing as well.

There's a big difference between patient perseverance and stressful perseverance (I'm not sure if that's a real thing, but I'm saying it is). On the surface the person may not appear frazzled or scared, but he could be bouncing off the walls in his mind with fear. Patiently persevering helps to keep the body calm, which is really important.

Obviously, there's no easy way to handle a week like this, but I hope, through my prayers, I can continue to get through it.

Treatment Failure

It saddens me to say that my latest treatment regiment appears to be failing. I got updated testing done this past week and it went in the wrong direction. The results were very typical to those of previous cycles, where I initially responded very well to the treatment, but the effectiveness eventually wore off. It's the exact same pattern I've encountered since the initial treatment cycle in Hong Kong.

My doctors are at a loss. The general opinion is that there is a resistant component to my tumor that refuses to die no matter what treatment I try - and I have tried A LOT. Unfortunately, overcoming this resistance is something my doctors are not sure how to do. It could be that nothing exists in this day and age that can kill these resistant cells. I'm inclined to believe that there is something out there in this world that can cure it, but one can only research so much.

I'm more overcome with frustration and mental fatigue than remorse. I've already come to terms with the fact that I can't control the outcome here - all I can do is fight hard and never quit. But what bothers me more than anything is thinking about how much longer I am going to have to live this compromised lifestyle, with some kind of treatment, doctor appointment or test always waiting for me around the corner. It really is no way to live a life - especially for 2+ years.

I look at my youth and strength going into this as a double-edged sword - good because it has given me the strength to cope with extremely aggressive treatments, but bad because as long as
I can deal with them, I will keep getting them, and I'm going to stay weak and tired.

There is really no plan at this point - we are consulting with many doctors to figure out next steps. I'm sure another door will open, let's just hope it's the right door.

I don't mean to appear weak and negative. In fact, I feel like in these difficult times it's most important to have faith and dig deep to stay positive, and as always, I'll do my best.

Great weekend

I returned home last night after an amazing weekend in Tampa attending my friend's wedding. I have not had very many opportunities over the past few years to get away for a weekend, and this was truly one of the best weekends I've had in a long, long time. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I've felt so completely and totally relaxed and free - it's been over 2 years.

Something about being away from home and with a great group of people at a joyous occasion cleared my mind, and for a few days, I didn't think about the burden here.

It is true what people say - when going through difficulties, sometimes the best medicine is to just go out, clear your mind, and completely immerse yourself in fun, happy activities. The link between mind and body is very real, and when your mind is at peace, your body begins to heal. That's how I felt this weekend. Even though I wasn't getting to sleep on time, eating my meals on time or maintaining my strict diet, I didn't feel any worse - in fact, I felt ten times better because I was enjoying myself and not worrying.

Hopefully there will be many more weekends like this past one to come. I want to congratulate my friends Ibrahim and Shabnam, and thank all my friends, Adam, Yousuf, Abid, Naeem, Asad, Mujtaba, Mufaddal and AK for a truly awesome weekend.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. This was truly a great moment in my life - a memory that I will keep for a very long time.

I'm back on chemo tomorrow. These next few weeks will be a challenge, but I am ready to face it.

3 cycles in the books

Happy Saturday to everyone. This past Tuesday I received the 2nd and final dose of my 3rd chemo cycle. The duration of this treatment is still TBD - my doctor would like for it to continue if it is working successfully and I am tolerating the side effects - but I would say I'm approx. halfway done at this point.

I feel it starting to catch up with me a bit physically. This week I was a bit under the weather and my energy level was very low. I went to work on Wednesday, but just couldn't muster enough energy to get to the office the rest of the week. But mentally I am relaxed and confident. All will be well, and as soon as I'm off treatment I hope to begin exercising more vigorously as my energy level should return to normal.

Next weekend I'm off to a friends wedding so I will try and post beforehand. If not, I will be back mid-next week when my chemo starts up again.

I hope everyone is doing well...

Update

Hey everyone. The weekend is almost over out here in LA so I thought I'd post a quick update on the progress of my treatment before things pick up again tomorrow. This was an extremely difficult week for me overall - for some reason it was one of the more mentally draining weeks I've had in some time. It was one of those weeks where my patience was truly put to the test.

I had my chemo on Tuesday, and due to some side effects caused by the medication I am getting right now I'm restricted from doing a lot of things because of fatigue and CNS sensitivity. So, what ends up happening is during my treatment week is that I end up spending 90% of my time at home until the side effects wear off. I don't mean to complain, but it really wore me down. I tried my best to stay calm and remain patient, but everyone around me (friends, coworkers, etc.) is moving so fast that I feel left behind.

But it's ok, for this is only temporary. I believe that my level of patience has increased considerably, and patience is helping me cope. I keep trying to remind myself that everyone is tested in different ways in this life, and it's how one responds to that test that determines if he or she is successful. And I won't quit now.

More treatment this coming Tuesday, followed by my break and more test results. The roller coaster continues, but I'm confident it will be over soon.

Riding My Train

"Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. it's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere."

-Barack Obama

I have always been someone who looks to the future. I used to constantly plan and think about my next move in life, and what I needed to do to achieve those goals. When I was diagnosed in March 2007, I didn't waste any time coming up with a plan to get myself back on track once my treatment was completed. I figured I would go through 3-4 months of treatment in Hong Kong, go into remission, get back to working full time shortly thereafter, and eventually move back to the US where I would attend grad school, get married and start a family.

If you asked me then where I saw myself in the summer of 2009, 'living at home with my parents still undergoing chemotherapy' would have been the last thing from my mouth. But, as I've unfortunately come to find out, you can't always expect things to work out according to a plan. I am still living at home going through treatment. I have not been able to accomplish any of the personal and professional goals I set out for myself since then.

The fact that this battle has not ended used to make me very angry and depressed. I felt like my peers and I were all riding on the same train. Everyone wanted to reach the final destination (successful life, money, family, big house, etc.) as quickly as possible, and nobody wanted to get off. When I was diagnosed, I was basically pushed off the train, and I wanted nothing more to get back on as soon as I could. I would reach the last stop later than everyone else, but at least I would still get there.

But what I've come to realize over the past few years is that we're not all on the same train. We're on separate trains, each one traveling at its own speed, headed in its own unique direction. The difficulty, of course, is that we don't have any idea which train we're on, and often times that makes us believe we're headed in the wrong direction. But rather than stressing out about why you're not headed the same way as your friends or co-workers, it's better to relax and enjoy the ride.

Ultimately, this requires a great deal of patience, a virtue that I definitely lacked when this battle began. When you're going in a different, seemingly wrong direction than your friends, it's mentally taxing.

But there are no wrong directions. We're meant to end up in different places, accomplishing different goals along the way. Maybe I am meant to achieve something different what my friends are meant to achieve. The key is being patient enough to work-hard and endure the times of uncertainty so that you can be rewarded in the end.

It may seem ironic that I write about the merits of patience and perseverance since my fight is not over yet, but I know from my own experience that it's the only way to tough it out. I believe that things will work out for the best, so allowing frustration and anxiety to rule my life doesn't make sense.

I'm going to enjoy the ride.

Staying On Track

I apologize for missing so much time between posts, but the last week was incredibly busy for me. I celebrated my birthday last Wednesday, and met a lot of new friends over the weekend.

A quick update - we found out this morning that the tumor markers have continued to decline, which is a good sign. This is the 2nd data point we've obtained thus far to suggest that the current treatment regiment is working effectively. Still, I don't want to get too ahead of the game. I plan to remain patient and take it step by step, as I strongly believe I will get through this successfully at the end of the day.

That's all I got for now, but I promise to post more often this next month as I couldn't get on here enough in June.

I hope everyone is doing well. Oh, and I almost forgot. No laughter clip this week...but something a lot better. What I've realized from all the Michael Jackson coverage since his death is that nobody knows when their time is up. But it doesn't matter how long we are in this world, what matters is the impact we've made while here. Michael Jackson made a tremendous impact in this world, and I believe that one day, in my own way, I will too. We'll miss you MJ...RIP.

Great Story on Overcoming low odds

I hope everyone is having a nice weekend so far. I wanted to share a story I read in the LA Times yesterday called She Finally Has a Home - Harvard. This is an amazing story about a homeless girl who overcame tremendous obstacles to get accepted into Harvard.

I think it's a perfect example of how far focus and determination can take a person. In this girl's situation, no matter how bad things were, she kept her eyes on the prize. The story talks about how she had to fight and scrounge for the basic necessities of life - food, shelter, etc. - amidst trying to do well in school. She wanted to make a better life for herself, and she made it happen.

Reading this story reminded me that staying focused on the ultimate goal is also something I need to do. It's easy to get distracted and depressed when things are not going your way, but I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and remember that the ultimate prize, getting cured, can still happen.

On the treatment front, I have completed one cycle and I'm now in the midst of cycle #2. So far the response to this new therapy has been promising, so I am staying focused and hoping for more good news.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend...

Quick Update

After a fun-filled weekend (which included a Lakers championship), it was back to the grind again this morning as my 2nd cycle of chemotherapy got underway. The weekend was especially nice because at the end of last week my doctor informed me that my tumor markers had declined - a sign that this treatment, at least in its initial stages, is proving to be effective.

Now, we've been in this situation countless times before. Several of my past treatments were effective early on but ended up falling short. So, I'm trying not to let myself get too worked up or excited. But it does feel very good to know I'm moving in the right direction again. I'm very thankful to God for that.

It was very difficult for me to summon the strength to get back on chemotherapy this time, knowing how critical it is that it be effective. Sometimes when my eyes open in the morning, I wonder why I am choosing to get out of bed. 'Just go back to sleep', I think to myself. 'When you're sleeping, you don't have to think about this stuff. You can dream about beaches and cupcakes and the dodgers in the world series.'

But I'm always quick to remind myself that I know better. I know that each new day is a blessing, and each new day I am one day closer to being well. Quitting is not an option for me now, nor will it ever be. Patience and perseverance will keep me on track.

Since I haven't yet explained exactly why I'm back on treatment, or what I am taking, I will do that now. After my lung surgery to remove a single tumor in early April, we were hoping that my tumor markers would normalize and my scans would be clean. That did not happen. My markers remained elevated and were rising, while scans showed new spots developing.

As you can probably imagine, this was about as bad as it gets. What made matters worse is that my doctors, the best doctors in the world for my disease, were out of solid ideas. Their confidence was slipping.

They suggested I turn to a private medical lab in Los Angeles, where they do a special form of lab testing called chemosensitivity testing.

Chemosensitivity testing is a process where a sample of your tumor(in my case, a sample of the lung tumor which was removed during my surgery) is taken to a lab where all the approved cancer drugs are tested against it to see which drugs are most effective and which are least effective. The major benefit is that, since the tissue is literally taken from your own body, it's truly an individualized treatment approach. The major drawback is that lab results don't always carry over to the body.

The results of this test revealed a cocktail of medicines I had never tried before which might be effective in killing my cancer. There is no clinical data to back up using this combination on me - its based on lab testing and theoretical ideas. But it's safe, it's possible to do, and it's the best idea we have.

I will continue to post updates on the progress of this treatment as it unfolds. In the meantime, be well...

Inspiration on the baseball field

I saw something on Friday night that once again re-affirmed my belief that anything is possible if you want it bad enough and you work for it.

I was at the Dodgers baseball game that night with a friend. Most of the game was dull - very little scoring, and very few exciting plays. At the end of the 8th inning the Dodgers were losing 3-2. With just one inning left, it seemed unlikely that they would be able to come back and win the game.

Their first 2 batters in the 9th inning got out immediately. Now they were at the brink. At this point, with 2 men out and nobody on base, it was a tall order. For those of you who know baseball, you know that in these situations, coming back is almost impossible. I had certainly never witnessed a team comeback from these odds. I was hoping that maybe the next guy would come up and hit a home run to tie the game, and then they might be able to win in extra innings.

The 3rd batter managed to hit a single. A glimmer of hope, but still a near insurmountable task. The 4th batter managed to draw a walk, putting runners at first and second base with 2 out. The crowd began showing signs of life now. When the 5th batter came up and hit the ball, my heart sunk - it was an easy ground ball to the 3rd baseman. This game was about to be over. But suddenly, the 3rd baseman bobbled the ball and made a bad throw to 1st and the runner was safe. Now the bases were loaded. The baseball gods were smiling on the Dodgers that night.

When the 6th batter came up, the crowd was on its feet. Seeing three consecutive batters reach base under these circumstances, where one out would end the game, was amazing already. Could a 4th guy in a row get a hit?

I witnessed the impossible that night, as the 6th batter hit a double to the outfield, bringing home 2 runs, and the Dodgers came from behind to win. The entire team rushed out on the field, dog-piling on top of one another, a massive celebration on the infield. The crowd was going bananas - random people were hugging each other and giving high fives and laughing.

As I was driving home from the game I felt rejuvenated. Sure, this was just a baseball game - pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. But to me it was a sign that I shouldn't forget that just becomes something seems impossible, doesn't mean that it is. No matter what the odds, if you want something bad enough, you can overcome.

You can make the impossible possible. It was a great night, and here's hoping for many more great nights in the future. I found a video taken by a random fan sitting in the outfield of the events of the 9th inning...Enjoy!

(apologize for the close-up shot of his face on the video)

My favorite month

Hey everyone. I can't believe how quickly this year has gone by. June is my favorite month of the year. Besides the NBA Finals (which will include the Lakers!) and baseball season in full swing, my birthday is in June. I'm expecting big things for my birthday. I believe my situation is going to be completely turned around - some great things will happen in my life, and I can't wait.

Treatment continues to progress well. We have not received any official marker readings or updated scans yet because it's too soon. Those will start coming in a few weeks. Meanwhile, I'm keeping myself busy with work, playing chess, exercising and eating (I need to keep my weight up).

I haven't posted a laughter clip up in a while, and I apologize for that to those who enjoyed them. I can't take credit for finding this clip. It was shown to me, but it was too funny to not put up here. Enjoy!

Back to the Grind

I started my new chemotherapy regiment last week. Once this is over everything will finally be back to normal. I believe it will last for a few months and I should tolerate it well.

This is a unique cocktail, one you won't find on a list of standard chemo regiments for my illness. This was put together based on the results of some very specific chemosensitivity testing I had done on the lung tumor removed 6 weeks ago. Several different cancer drugs were tested on this tumor in a lab, and we have formed a cocktail of those which were most effective in the lab. How well the lab results carry over to the body remains to be seen, but I have very high hopes.

If you have some time, I recommend reading a NY Times article about happiness I read this morning called Happy Like God. It'll get the wheels turning after a long (or short) holiday weekend. It's a bit philosophical, and I'll admit that parts of it were over my head, but it really made me think about how I shouldn't let my current circumstances, or my fears and doubts regarding the future, dictate my happiness. Let me know what you think.

Talk to everyone soon.

Update

Hey everyone. I wanted to just post a quick update on the current situation. First of all, I am feeling great- very strong, confident and healthy. Based on the way I'm feeling, it's shocking that further treatment will be needed.

We met with my doctor to come up with a game plan this past week. I have been doing my homework on what my options are, and I feel like we came up with a good strategy that I believe, in conjunction with everything else I am doing to get healthy, will work.

Things should get rolling again in the next few weeks. I am feeling calm and confident these days, like a man who has worked hard and has done everything possible to achieve a goal. I'm not going to stress out about what is beyond my control at this point.

I will continue to write about things as they unfold over the next month or two. I'm sure, going forward, these will all be positive updates.

Happy Mother's Day

Even though it's not quite midnight here on the West Coast, I want to wish every mom reading this a happy mother's day. And, I also want to congratulate a new mom on her first mother's day, my friend Fareeda, whose newborn baby is very cute.

I came across a very inspiring piece in the LA times today called These Moms Know True Love, that I thought I would share with everyone. I really enjoyed reading it and found it amazing how much strength and courage the mother's interviewed in this article possess. I think that it really helped me realize that I do have so much to be thankful for.

Finally, I wanted to wish my own mom a happy mother's day, and thank her for all the love and support she's given me over these last few years. From moving to Hong Kong for three months to sitting with me through all my treatments, she has shown courage and bravery beyond that which I've ever seen. Most mom's could not handle what she has seen and been through.

I know the last few years have been a difficult time for her, having to watch her son go through chemo treatments and surgeries when she should be getting to plan my wedding or play with her grandkids. It's not fair for her, but she's dealing with it as best as she can, and that's all I can ask of her.

I want her to know that I love her very much, and I also want to tell her to not let anyone discourage her with negativity. Even though there have been a few rough patches, believe me when I say that you have done a tremendous job taking care of me. You do not stress me out - instead, you make life easy for me, and there's nowhere else I'd rather be staying.

We are going to beat this together, and then when our time comes, we will enjoy all the blessings that life will bring us. I am confident that we can overcome.

Ok...I hope everyone has a nice Mother's Day.

Mannywood No More

For those of you who follow baseball, and even for those of you who don't, you surely have heard that LA Dodgers superstar outfielder Manny Ramirez was found to have tested positive for a performance enhancing drug and has been suspended 50 games.

Being a huge LA Dodger fan, I was crushed when the news broke yesterday morning. The Dodgers were having an unbelievable season, and it all went away once Manny was caught. Now since he tested positive for a non-steroid drug, I don't want to pass judgment here and automatically assume he is a cheater. But assuming he has cheated by taking steroids at some point in his career, this event has effectively ruined his career.

There are several negative consequences that have come into the picture. Aside from putting dangerous products into his body, Manny's entire legacy as one of the greatest baseball players of all-time could be based on cheating. In addition, he has lost the love and respect of his fans, teammates and colleagues., who believe he is a fraud. But in my opinion, the worst thing that has happened, is that he let people down, and he has to live with it.

From this day forward, Manny Ramirez will have to wake up in the morning, look at himself in the mirror, and realize again and again that he let thousands and thousands of people down by being selfish. I can't think of anything worse than that.

So how does this relate to me and my situation, other than the fact that I love the Dodgers? Because sometimes I feel that by not being able to overcome this disease and put it behind me, I'm letting down my supporters and those people who count on me.

The members of my family have poured their lives into helping me get better. They have sacrificed everything, and I feel bad that I can't deliver for them. I know it's crazy for me to think this way, considering the fact that beating this disease is out of my control, where as Manny deciding to take drugs was in his control, but it's unavoidable. I can see and feel the pain in their eyes and I just can't do anything about it.

But I just want to say that even though I have a long road ahead before I get better, I will get there, and all your support and sacrifice will be worth something in the end.

Update

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've had a very busy few weeks and I really enjoyed them. There wasn't much to report on the medical front until today. Turns out that my tumor markers are on the way up again and it's likely that additional treatment will be needed. It's been over six months since I've had any chemo, and it's definitely something I'm not looking forward to, but we have to see what the options are.

Over the next few days I have will have brain and chest scans to see if there is any visible disease, and once we know that, we well decide on a course of treatment.

Honestly, I have no idea what to feel right now. I guess it's a mix of disappointment and apathy. I say apathy because at this point I really don't care what these tests show. I want them to go well, but I have no control over them. I have said before that I know in my heart that I am working hard to do everything possible to live, and what more can you ask from someone. When this is all over and I look back, I will know that I survived because I never gave up and I never gave less than 100% effort in trying to win the war.

Ok...I'm off to the Dodgers game.

The Day Lloyd Carr called me a Michigan Man

One thing I've learned over the past 2 years is that no matter how busy you are, it's important to always take at least a little time out of your life to do something for someone else. Even the tiniest gesture can mean a great deal to someone going through a difficult situation. I hope to show you what I mean with this story.

About 18 months ago, just prior to going through my first stem-cell transplant, I woke up one morning around 9 A.M. and went downstairs to have breakfast. I had already been through a lot of therapy and was a little weak, so I was nervous about my upcoming round of treatment. When I got downstairs I saw that a message had been left on my phone around 6 A.M. that morning. I recognized the area code as an Ann Arbor, Michigan, number, but I didn't know anybody living there who would be calling me.

As many of you know, I attended school at Michigan from 2000-2004, and I was (and still am) a a HUGE Michigan football fan. Nothing could have prepared me for the voice I heard when I started the message. It was Michigan football head coach Lloyd Carr, a legend in Ann Arbor and a national figure, calling to wish me luck and to tell me to be strong.

Lloyd Carr was the head coach of the football program while I was attending school there from 2000-2004, and continued to coach until retiring in 2008. I had a lot of respect for coach Carr. We didn't win any national championships while I was there, but I really valued his integrity and commitment to the program.

The most amazing thing about the call was that I had never met the man personally. He had received an email from a very good college friend of mine who informed him of my situation. My friend told him what a big fan I was, and he decided to pick up the phone and call me. Understand , this was during the football season - his final season as head coach. He already had about 1 million football related tasks on his plate at the time, but instead of going out and having his players run wind sprints and stairs, he chose to take 5 minutes out of his day to call me (that might be why we lost the first 2 games...just kidding Coach).

The time he spent calling me may not have made a big difference in his life, but it meant the world to me. Not only did it give me an emotional and mental boost, but it also taught me that what may seem like a small gesture to some, can actually mean the world to others. Since then, I've tried to always take a little time out to do the little things for others as much as I possibly can.

I hope to one day call Lloyd Carr, tell him I'm cured, and thank him for taking five minutes of his day to think about me. It made a world of difference. Here is the message if you'd like to listen for yourself.



Special thanks to my friend J Brady for telling Lloyd Carr about me, and my friend Angilee for saving this message so I could have it forever.

A Very Busy (and fun) Week

I apologize for the week-long break I took from last Tuesday's post. My brother came home for his spring break last Wednesday night so we have been having fun. There have been many exciting things going on in my life since completing my lung surgery, so I've just been enjoying each day.

Work has increased at my company as we are embarking on new and exciting ventures during these challenging times. I am spending more time at the office as I work my way back to becoming full-time again.

The NBA playoffs have begun and the Lakers are looking good. 1 win down and 15 to go for the championship.

Baseball season is also underway and the Dodgers are on an 8-game winning streak, which makes me really happy. I am a really big Dodger fan.

And, in case you didn't see the latest pictures I posted on my facebook profile, I saw the Delorean from Back to the Future in a random condominium parking lot in Corona, CA, over the weekend. That's pretty much my favorite movie of all time, so, as you can imagine, I was a little excited.


Marty McFly: "Doc, you better back up, we don't have enough road to get up to 88."


Doc Brown: "Roads...where we're going we don't need..(flips sunglasses down)..roads.

Not only is that one of my favorite lines from the first movie (as my friend Rahul can attest to), but it's also the line that played from the car just before it sped away. Either the owner installed sound effects quoting the movie, or Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox were filming Back to the Future IV.

So seeing as how the Dodgers, Lakers, hanging out with my brother and Back to the Future are four of my favorite things in the world, it's been a good week.

On the health front, the lung surgery went well and I will be meeting my oncologist later this week to get testing done and figure out what I need to do from here. There is still some pain at the incision site, but not enough to really bother me. Treatment may be in my future, but I am praying that it's not.

For those of you in Cali, stay cool. I'll be back later this week.

Living Life to the Fullest

"Forget about the future Naweed...just focus on this day...nobody knows what is going to happen tomorrow Naweed, so you should enjoy every moment now...we have no control over the future...none of us."

I've probably heard these lines over a thousand times since getting diagnosed a little over 2 years ago, and at first, it would eat me up inside. Don't get me wrong, I am very appreciative of my supporters. But frankly speaking, it's easy to live in the moment when everything is going great, but as soon as your future is in doubt, that mentality is nearly impossible to achieve.

Let's be honest. How many people actually live in the moment? In reality, everything we do and think about today is for the future. This is especially true if you're in your 20's like me; we do everything with the purpose of building a foundation for the future. So you can imagine how difficult it becomes when all of a sudden, your future is in doubt. What's the point of doing anything, right?

WRONG.

I have learned that when times are tough, the worst thing you can do is retreat inside of yourself and stop living your life. I know it's difficult. Trust me, for the first year of my cancer fight, I didn't want to do anything or see anyone. I avoided dinners, parties, religious functions; I avoided just about any situation that I thought would make me uncomfortable or jealous. As you can imagine, I was turning into a hermit, unwilling to leave my comfort zone at home. This mentality was getting me nowhere, but I was afraid of change.

One event changed my mentality for good. In the summer of 2008 one of my best friends from college asked me to speak at his wedding. The wedding was going to happen on the East Coast, and many of my college friends who I hadn't seen in years would be in attendance, not to mention hundreds of strangers.

At the time, I was going through chemo, had no hair or eyebrows, and I was pretty thin. I did not look good. The thought of getting up in front of a large crowd and making such an important speech frightened the hell out of me. I would have declined the invitation just like I had been doing for every party, but this was for a very close friend and it was too important to avoid. So I decided to attend and to speak.

The speech went well. I don't usually get nervous speaking in public, but maybe because of the size of the crowd or the bright lights shining on my head, I was feeling wobbly. After dinner I left the hall to use the restroom, where a guy I didn't recognize complimented me on my words. I thanked him and we began chatting as we returned to the hall.

He told me his name was Ravi. He was about my age, maybe a little older. As it turned out, he told me that his younger sister, one of the bride's closest friends, had passed away from cancer no less than 1 year ago. I literally stopped in my tracks.

I told him that I had heard about his sister and I was sorry for his loss. I also told him what I was going through. Now he didn't know who I was prior to this conversation, but it's safe to say that when he saw me he could tell was dealing with something. We ended up talking for almost an hour, most of it was him giving me words of encouragement and support. It meant so much coming from someone who had experienced such a tragic loss. Ravi and I have continued talking to this day, and despite what he has gone through, he has become one of my most inspirational sources of support.

But consider the chain of events here. If I hadn't decided to attend the wedding, I would never have been there to meet him. If I hadn't given the speech, he wouldn't have recognized me coming out of the restroom. And I hadn't had so much water, I would never have had to use the restroom (thanks Dad for always reminding me to drink lots of water).

Only because I decided to live my life and seize those opportunities, I made a great friend.

I used to get angry when people who hadn't gone through what I have told me to "enjoy life." But I don't anymore. What I learned from these events is that regardless of what is happening in life, good or bad, shying away from living life because of fear,
embarrassment, jealousy or pain can only hurt you more.

The best thing to do is to wake up each day, be gracious for what you have, focus on what you want and try your best to go get it.

DOCS Charity

I hope everyone had a nice week. I spent my week mostly recovering from my lung surgery last Friday by getting rest at home and taking some walks. I was feeling some pain and discomfort where the incision was made, but overall it's not too bad. The last few days I was feeling well enough to go into my office, so I did that, but it was very tiring. I will be having my follow-up appointment with my surgeon early next week to make sure everything on my body is still where it's supposed to be and in working order....that was my sad attempt to make a joke.

I have never posted about a specific charitable organization before, but I came across one in particular after reading an article in the LA Times that I thought looked really impressive. Please note that by bringing it up on my blog, I am merely trying to build awareness for it. I am not affiliated with it, and I don't know anything about it other than what I've read in the LA Times and on the charity's website.

DOCS Charity , or Doctors Offering Charitable Services, is based in the San Diego area. According to their website, "DOCS was founded by a team of talented surgeons to assist with the healthcare burden of the needy population within our own and neighboring communities. DOCS consists of a group of highly specialized physicians, each with their own sub-specialty."

Another excerpt, "DOCS has teamed up with various local organizations to raise awareness about their organization. Patients introduced to DOCS include victims of accidents, abuse, war, and devastating diseases. Often denied benefits by insurance companies, due to the "cosmetic" nature of their conditions, these patients were left without any hope."

I became interested in DOCS after reading a story in the LA Times about the work they have been able to do for a girl named Anne Rodante, who lives in the greater LA area. I have linked to this story here .

As I said, I don't know anything about this charity other than what I read about it in the LA Times and on its website, but it seems like a very talented group of people doing some amazing selfless work. It doesn't seem like this is an organization with a lot of volunteering opportunities (unless you're handy with a scapel), but if anyone is interested, let me know because I am looking into it.

I have included the link to the DOCS Charity website in my "cancer research websites" section of this blog (on the right column under "daily motivating quotes"). There are a few other organizations there I like which you might want to check out.

Have a nice weekend!

Laughter Clips of the Week (Ouch!!)

Because of my recent lung surgery, whenever I laugh it causes sharp pains in my chest. I tried to find good laughter clips without laughing, but failed miserably (with the not laughing part). Now that the pain has worn off I can get back to writing this post.

It has been a few weeks since I've been able to post up some laughter clips, and after watching these, I had to share them. The first clip can't possibly be real, but it's priceless. The 2nd clip I'm sure is real, and is also priceless.

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who reached out to me before and after the surgery to wish me luck. Now that the procedure is behind me I'm back to playing the waiting game, which can be very frustrating. We won't know anything further until we take our next set of follow-up tests next week. In the meantime, it doesn't hurt to laugh (Or maybe it does...) Enjoy!

Surgery over - let the healing begin

I apologize for not posting last week, but I thought I would wait until I got done with my lung surgery. I had it done Friday afternoon and I am happy to report that my doctor said it went very well. I was released from the hospital last night and I have been resting comfortably at home since. Even though it wasn't too invasive, it's definitely painful. Anytime you have surgery done to your chest cavity, you realize that you use your chest and back muscles for basically every movement you make.

Despite the pain, I am feeling great right now. I believe things are looking up and I am back on the healing track. My doctors are unsure about what is going to happen next. Based on the nature of my disease, some doctors believe that this is a chronic condition that I am going to continue to have problems with. I refuse to believe that. I want to believe that this surgery is the end of the road.

I'll be back later this week with my next post. I hope everyone is having a nice weekend...

Be well...

Surgery Next Week

I went to see a thoracic surgeon today and, after speaking with him, have decided to have lung surgery to remove this latest lung tumor. Since discovering this lesion, there has been a mental tennis match going on in my head between lung surgery and cyberknife radiation. And this was no ordinary tennis match. This was like a Federer vs. Nadal epic 5-setter. I went back and forth multiple times, but at the end of the day, surgery seems like the best way to go.

My biggest concern was that an additional lung surgery might severely compromise my lung function, but the doctor assured me that this would not have to be a very extensive procedure and that the recovery would be quick.

I expect to have it done early next week but don't know exactly what day. I feel more relaxed now that I have a plan. I did my homework, and there's not much else I can do except stay calm and trust the doctors to do their jobs.

My brother comes home this weekend to visit, so I expect to kick back with him, hang out with friends and get myself ready for next week. I am sure all will go well and I will be running around again soon.

Have a good weekend...

How I Learned to Appreciate Each and Every Moment

Despite what I wrote in my blog's sub-header (see above), it is about much more than my fight against cancer. It's about all the events in my life from the past two years, disease-related or not, that have had an impact on me. And no events impacted me more than the deaths of two friends just over a year ago.

I lost two 26-year old friends within the span of one month, both due to tragic accidents, in early 2008. They passed away in between my lung surgery in November 2007 and before my disease recurred in March 2008, a period of time when I thought I was cancer-free.

The first, Sumit, was a college friend and housemate. He suffered a brain injury in an accident which he could not recover from. You won't meet many people like Sumit. He had a very charismatic personality which drew people in like mosquitoes to a bug zapper (of course he wouldn't zap them when they came close). He was a fun-loving, intelligent and generous person with an infectious smile and laugh. We had our differences in school, but I had a lot of respect for him. Although we hadn't kept in touch too well since leaving Michigan, anytime we saw each other it seemed like no time had passed.

I was always amazed at how Sumit so effortlessly made friends. I think it had a lot to do with the way he paid attention and took an interest in your life when speaking to you. He was someone who cared about his friends, and showed it in so many ways. That's why it came as no surprise to me when I heard that friends and colleagues from every part of his world attended his memorial services in New Jersey and Chicago to celebrate his life. I wasn't able to attend either one because I was still recovering from my lung surgery at the end of 2007, but I wish I could have been there to honor him.

Before the shock of Sumit's passing had worn off, another friend passed. Ali, a childhood friend who I had known for almost 15 years, was killed in a mid-air collision of two fighter jets off the coast of Florida. He was an Air Force fighter pilot and was flying one of the jets.

Ali was an amazing friend and an inspiration to me in so many ways. He is the only person I have ever known who ended up doing what he dreamed of doing as a 12-year old. He wanted to become a fighter pilot then, and he never let go of that dream. He was unique in that he always stayed true to himself, never altering his personality for anyone. I truly admired and respected him for his unique sense of humor and his intelligence. He was even a caring guy, though he had a funny way of showing it (you can talk to his younger brother Ibrahim about that).

Fortunately, I had recovered enough at that point to be able to attend Ali's funeral in Florida. It was one of the saddest, yet inspirational, experiences of my life. I say inspirational because the burial ceremony blended aspects of our traditional Muslim burial ceremony with those of the Air Force burial ceremony. It's hard to describe the feeling of seeing 40 members of the Air Force in full uniform standing in a mosque and joining in a prayer for Ali. It was a one-of-a-kind experience.

I could go on writing about these two guys all night. Frankly, what I've written so far hasn't even begun to scratch the surface of describing their amazing qualities. It was an honor just to know them. But even though they left a strong impression on me while alive, the truth is their passing left an even stronger impression on me.

Despite the fact that I was already fighting cancer, it wasn't until those two passed that I finally realized the value of each and every single second we have on this earth. Here I was, fighting a vicious disease, undergoing powerful chemotherapy and numerous surgeries. Physically, I was weak, tired and felt broken. And yet, of the three of us, I am the only one still here.

Both of them were strong and healthy, moving forward with their lives and accomplishing amazing things. You can argue that Ali's profession was risky, but the fact is that he was an expert pilot, and the accident which caused his death was not his fault and was out of his control. And with Sumit, the freakish circumstances which led to his death are about as likely as getting hit by lightning.

And yet, the fact remains that both of them have moved on, while I remain to continue fighting my battle. I often think about Sumit and Ali, maybe more so because I have been confronted with my own mortality at a young age. I'll never be able to make sense of the randomness and unlikelihood of it all. I guess that's what they call destiny, and destiny can be very fickle.

As I write this today, my ongoing fight with cancer has only served to reinforce what I learned a year ago about the value and fragility of life. These tragic events make it very apparent that it doesn't matter how healthy you are or aren't, or what you are doing in life. I believe that if your time's up, then your time's up. There's nothing you can do about it.

I miss those two very much. Their families are the true heroes, persevering despite the hardship and even providing moral support and encouragement to me. I know it's hard considering what they've dealt with.

I try to go out each day now with a purpose. Yes, I am still fighting the battle, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate the time I have, and value each and every moment. I'm sure if Sumit and Ali were here, they would tell me the exact same thing - to make the most of every day, have fun and live with a purpose. Nobody knows when their time is up, but I think almost everyone has a chance to make the most of the time they are given.

Fight on...

Don't let the Problems Stop You from Enjoying Life

I just got back from visiting with my medical oncologist and I'm about as confused as one can be. Yesterday, after meeting with a radiation oncologist, I was very close to going forward with the cyber-knife treatment option. Today, I am back on the fence as my oncologist, a man I trust, reiterated his strong support for surgical resection. The basic argument is that surgery has a long and well-established track record for treating my disease, but cyber-knife does not. So it's not that cyber-knife is a bad option, it's that it may be slightly less effective.

I'm going to spend almost all of the next few days deciding which way to go. Notice I said almost all. This is because tonight, my beloved Michigan Wolverines will play in their first NCAA basketball tournament game since 1998, a couple years before I became a student there. For those of you who don't follow college basketball closely, especially Michigan basketball, this has been a very long drought, and today's game represents a significant milestone in our return to college hoops relevancy. I've been waiting for this day a long time, and I'm not going to let all the other nonsense in my life affect my ability to enjoy this game.

So for two hours tonight, I am going to sit back and enjoy watching my team play. I don't care if we win or lose. Yes, there is a lot of bad stuff going on in my life, and I could just stay stressed out and depressed 24/7, but that's how you miss enjoying the great moments.

I've learned that you can't let your problems in life stop you from enjoying the special moments. At the end of the day, regardless of whether you live 100 years or 40 years, it's the special moments that you'll truly savor. If you let those pass you by while you obsess over what's wrong in your life, you'll have nothing to remember at the end. So no matter what is happening in your life, if something good comes along, take a minute, set aside your problems, and enjoy the moment.

Go Blue!!

Moving Forward

Yesterday's afternoon consultation I had with the radiation oncologist to discuss the possibility of using cyber-knife radiation to treat my current lung lesion went very well. I am very close to moving forward with that option instead of surgery. The doctor was a very pleasant, intelligent and experienced man who spoke with confidence, something not many doctors like to do. It's always nice when a doctor seems more confident because it gives the patient confidence, and having confidence goes a long way in helping you maintain a positive attitude.

Cyber-knife radiation, a targeted form of radiation which focuses a large amount of radiation on a very small area of the body, is truly a remarkable technological breakthrough. The radiation beam is actually able to adjust for the natural movements in the lungs caused by breathing in and out. This means that the beam is always hitting the exact tumor location- always. To me that sounds pretty incredible.

Tomorrow I'm going to circle back with my medical oncologist and try to get everyone on the same page. He made it clear to me on Monday that he supports surgery, and the difference of opinion does make this a tough choice. But based on what I've heard thus far, I believe that cyber-knife will be equally as effective as surgery, and obviously much less invasive. And, considering the fact that I've already been through a major lung surgery, I'd like to avoid another one if possible.

That's all I got for today. Tonight I'm pushing the off button on the stress machine, sitting down and watching my favorite show Lost. I highly recommend you do the same.

Be well...

Busy Morning

I have a few moments right now in between appointments to post a quick update. This morning I had to go to the hospital to get an abdominal CT scan done. One lesion was spotted in my lung last week, and we need to ensure that there are no other visible signs of disease anywhere else in the body before we proceed with treatment. The existence of multiple lesions would rule out local treatment options such as surgery or localized radiation to treat the lung lesion.

This afternoon I'm going out to downtown LA to meet with a radiation oncologist to discuss the possibility of using something called cyber-knife radiation to fry this tumor. Cyber-knife is an advanced form of targeted radiation that would be able to focus large amounts of radiation on a very small area. This option would be far less invasive than surgery, but possibly not as effective. I have heard opinions on both sides of the debate, and as usual, its up to me and my family to make the decision. Considering the fact my family's combined medical training is 2 years of pharmacy school going on 3(thanks bro), I'm not sure we should be the ones deciding here. But we have faith that we will make the right decisions.

I feel pretty good today. I'm a bit anxious as I don't know how the rest of these next two weeks will play out, but I've learned that stressing out about them won't get me anywhere. In fact, it will probably set me back.

I hope everyone is having a good day. If not, at least be thankful you're not soaked in arctic ice water! Be well...

The Battle Continues - I Will Not Quit

"Effort only releases its reward after a person refuses to quit."

-Napoleon Hill

It is with some sadness I write today that I've learned my battle with cancer is not over, and that additional treatment awaits me in my near future. Disease has been discovered in my lungs - presumably, these cells have been resistant to all the treatment I've had thus far, hid out for a while, and are beginning to grow back again. We first learned about this last week but it was officially confirmed this morning.

This is my first attempt to write about a current challenge on this blog and so I'm not sure if everything will come together very well, but I will do my best.

Now I can spend a lot of time writing about the details of what has happened, why this has come back, why it won't go away and what the treatment options are, but instead, I want to focus on just one thing: Letting everyone know that I am not going to quit. I will push through this latest obstacle, get it behind me and get myself back on track. My goal has always been to wipe this disease out of my system, I don't intend to change that goal.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that the disease coming back now, after all the punishing treatment I've endured to kill it, is not a good sign. But even still, I refuse to give up.

I don't think I will ever understand why my family and I are being tested like this, but I do know that if I stop trying to win this battle, I will never be satisfied with myself. I think that no matter what happens, I am going to keep working hard and doing my best to find a way out of this. And I'm sure that if I keep up this attitude, doors will open as they always have.

I took the news about this latest setback surprisingly well. I'm not sure exactly why that is, but I haven't shed a tear yet, even though I know this is terrible news. I think it's because I know deep down that I am fighting as hard as I can and I am giving my full effort. I truly and honestly believe that I am doing all I can, so how can I be upset with myself? Clearly this is out of my control, and worrying about things beyond my control is pointless.

So how am I keeping my mind clear and dealing with stress? Primarily I am trying to stay very proactive about searching for a solution. I refuse to believe that there is no solution for this problem on Earth, and since it's here, I'm going to find it. Even if it's not here, I'm going up in a space ship to find it. These last few days I've been extremely busy calling various doctors around the US to get opinions and suggestions on how I should proceed. This has served as a good mental distraction for me.

I'm pretty sure I rambled quite a bit in this post, but the bottom line here is that I refuse to quit. No matter what happens, if I have the strength in me, I will continue to fight this disease. I plan to post regularly now about the current situation and provide updates as they come along. Please pray for my family as we tackle this latest obstacle.

Fight on...

Having Faith that Things Happen for the Best

"Faith is like electricity. You can't see it, but you can see the light."

Unknown

Eight months before I was diagnosed, in August of 2006, I decided to switch jobs. Now I already touched on this story in an earlier post involving my boss, but I am going to take a different angle this time around to share another lesson I've learned.

I decided to take the job because it would give me the opportunity to re-connect with a former co-worker who I had become good friends with, to travel abroad, to work on different kinds of projects and to make more money. Some of those things panned out, and some didn't. But as it turned out, none of them really mattered. Switching jobs became crucial for maintaining my most valuable possession - my health.

Four months into job, I was doing well and my future looked very bright. I had just arrived in Hong Kong, where I would be spending the next year living and working, as well as traveling extensively throughout Asia for business. My first assignment was to assist on the coordination and analytical work to help take one of our portfolio companies public in the U.S. My first three months were consumed with working on this project.

It was a tough assignment, but a valuable learning experience. I made a quick trip back to the US for business at the end of February 2007, and then it was back to Hong Kong. At this point things began to take a negative turn, and I really began to wonder why I had made the decision to take this job.

First, the company that we had helped to go public began to perform poorly, significantly reducing the value of my firm's investment. This was a big blow to us as we were counting on the profits from this deal to help fuel future business. Also, around this time, I was told that my stay in Hong Kong would be extended to possibly two years. I wasn't happy about this as I was already growing weary of the lifestyle on the island and I was looking forward to getting back home. Finally, China began showing some signs of slowing growth, a prospect that would make it much harder for us to do well there.

For these reasons I began to wonder if I had made the right decision. Nothing seemed to be working out the way I had envisioned. My previous job in Los Angeles was stable, I enjoyed working with the team and I was happy with my lifestyle. Why did I leave?

Then I was diagnosed with cancer.

It turned out that this firm supported me unlike any other company would do for someone. Not only have they continued to pay my salary and provide me with health insurance to this day, but they have gone above and beyond in many instances. My boss was kind and generous to my whole family, paying for our accommodations in Hong Kong while I underwent treatment. He gave me flexibility and freedom to focus on my health and not worry about work when I needed it the most.

Nobody could have possibly expected this battle to go on for so long, but nobody in my Company has wavered for a second when it comes to supporting me. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't decided to join.

Looking back as I write this, I realize now that if you give your full effort and commitment to something, be it work, family, or a health battle, you should have faith and believe that whatever happens will happen for the best. As a believer in fate, I believe there's a reason for everything, a reason we don't always see or understand until later on in life.

The reasons for which I thought I was taking my new job (traveling, money., etc.) were not the reasons I took it. Now I see that I was guided to this opportunity because I was going to get sick, and I needed people to support me.

So, even if things seem like they keep going wrong, have faith that there is a reason for these disappointments, and don't allow yourself to give up or doubt your decisions. If you keep working hard, things will happen for the best. Now that doesn't mean that life is going to be all roses, but whatever happens, you will be satisfied that you gave your best.

Be well...

Great Story

I hope everyone had a good week and are enjoying their weekends. I will be back next week with my laughter clips and my next post, but I thought I would post up a story that was forwarded to me that really struck a chord with me. The story is simple but the message is powerful. I hope you like it!

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!

He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost me a lot of money. Why did you do it?

The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took
out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.

Too shook up for words, the man simply watch ed the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to
remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'

God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.

My Greatest Physical Battle and Perseverance

"Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain."

Unknown

"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did."

Newt Gingrich

One of the main reasons this battle with cancer has been so difficult for me and my family is because of the unexpected challenges we have encountered along the way. One such challenge, which began shortly after my chemo treatments from the fall of 2007, was a physical setback that significantly impaired my quality of life.

Complications related to going through that chemo treatment caused me to have extreme neuropathy in my hands, feet and legs. For those who don't know, this means that I lost most of the feeling and a significant amount of fine motor function in my hands and feet. Neuropathy is a side effect of chemo, but the level of neuropathy I had and the sudden nature in which it all hit me even baffled the doctors. Now, its difficult to describe the feeling of not having any feeling, but I will give some examples of what I had trouble doing to give you a basic idea.

The biggest problem was walking. The nerve damage in my feet was so extreme, I could not walk or even stand without assistance for a month following the chemo. Not having feeling in the feet eliminated my balance, forcing me to use a walker to get around, and even then, I would get tired. I needed help with the most basic of things - just getting from the couch to the dining table, or getting from the couch to the bathroom. My coordination was impaired such that moving without directly staring and concentrating on my feet would result in a loss of balance. While I used to be extremely ticklish in my feet, cringing at the slightest human touch, now I couldn't even feel that human touch. You could have treated my feet like bongo drums and I would have barely noticed.

My hands were no better. The finger coordination was so poor that I had difficulty even holding a pen. I had difficulty holding a spoon or fork to eat, and hot and cold items seemed extremely hot and extremely cold, respectively. My typing ability was significantly impaired; it was so frustrating that for a while, I didn't even bother going on my computer. My hands would often shake and burn, and sometimes they would feel cold and stiff.

Suffice it to say, this was by far the most challenging, humbling and scary experience of my life. My physical limitations made me feel useless, which depressed me. Feeling and coordination is something that I, along with everyone else in this world, takes for granted, and now it was gone. And even when I worked up the motivation to do practice exercises to get the neurons firing again, I would get tired and discouraged, and I quickly gave up and returned to my groove on the couch.

It is very difficult for me to reflect on this period of my life because of how much suffering I went through. My memories of each day back then are vague, partly because I've tried blocking them out for so long. The only reason I think back to it and write about it now is to illustrate just exactly what I have been able to bounce back from thanks to support and perseverance.

I got very mixed opinions from my doctors following that setback. In general, the most common opinion was that the nerve damage would most likely get better over time, but it was unknown if it would get 100% better, or if some neuropathy would linger on forever. Personally, I didn't care about anything the doctors told me at that point, except for one thing: being active and doing practice exercises might help the recovery process.

I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to remain stagnant and useless one minute more. I no longer wanted to sit on the couch, lamenting about the fact that walking was so difficult, or that writing was so hard. So I sucked it up, firmly planted the dream of a normal life in my brain, and got to work. Each day I began pushing myself harder and harder. Despite the pain and fatigue, I stood up and walked around as much as I could as often as I could. I sat down and wrote, typed, and performed other mundane finger exercises for hours to jar that sensation back into place. For many weeks, I felt worse. I felt that what I was doing was pointless as I saw so visible improvement. But I pushed through these mental obstacles because of my desire to get my life back.

Within a few weeks I had ditched the walker and was up and around on my own. Granted, the walking was slow and uneven, but hey, I was walking. The writing/typing took longer to come around, but it eventually did. Before I knew it, I was performing the little tasks I never used to think twice about but had suddenly lost the ability to do. Soon after, I was behind the wheel again, an achievement I was very proud of.

As I write this today, the neuropathy has significantly healed. I still have balance problems and the coordination and feeling in my hands is not back to normal, but I've come a long way from those nightmarish few months.

Now even though the doctors told me that the nerve damage would slowly but surely heal on its own, I know pushing myself to exercise and walk when I couldn't made a big difference, both mentally and physically. The perseverance I was able to draw upon put me back on the healing track. Regardless of what anyone has told me, I have confidence that one day this will all be gone. Maybe I'll even be able to pick up my guitar again.

Before I shut the memory of those few months out of my brain again, I'd like to share what I came away with. I believe that with any problem in life, be it physical or not, if you have the opportunity to solve it, you should seize that opportunity. And even if it takes time and you feel like quitting, be patient, persevere, and believe that what you are doing will allow you to achieve your goal. In my case, the doctors never guaranteed that my neuropathy would improve or even that practice would help, but I believed that it would. This belief, and my desire to be a normal kid again, allowed me to fight through my mental barriers. Getting better has even allowed me to write this blog, as a post this long back then would have taken me 2 weeks to write.

So, in conclusion, fight on!

Laughter Clips of the Week

"We cannot really love anyone with whom we never laugh"

Agnes Repplier

I love you all so I'm making you laugh. By the way, I just posted an update of how I'm doing as of right now, so in case you're interested, it's just below this post. Enjoy the week!



On this 2nd one the laughing is loud in the background, but I highly recommend you pump up the volume, because laughter is contagious...



Have a great week! Look for my next post on Thursday.

Present Day Update

I've been working on crafting my next blog entry, but its taking me much longer than expected. So, rather than not post anything up till the middle of next week, I thought I would fill the gap with an update on how I'm doing today. Most of you who follow this blog closely I probably talk to or see quite often, but for those of you who I don't talk to, this entry should give you a glimpse of where I am at right now in the recovery process. I'm not going to go into too much detail, so if you really want all the dirt, you'll have to call me up.

Each week I feel as though I am continuing to gain my physical strength and energy back. My overall energy level and mental clarity was low after the brain surgery (Dec. 31st, 2008), but those issues have since improved, and continue to improve each day. I am now working out of my office 3 days per week, and working from home 2 days per week. I started this routine 3 weeks ago and I hope to continue it, and then eventually when I feel ready, I will gradually begin to increase time spent in the office as well as overall hours worked. My goal is of course to get back to my original performance level prior to all this.

My free time is spent doing light exercise, reading, playing chess, keeping up with my favorite tv shows, watching Lakers basketball, meeting friends in the area and writing this blog. I haven't gotten back into the gym as of yet, but it's on the short list, along with visiting friends in Chicago and on the East Coast. I try not to think about the future too much, but I do occasionally spend time making tentative plans and generating ideas for what I want to do over the next few years. I have several ideas, most of which involve taking this opportunity to expand my knowledge and diversify my skill set before progressing further in my career.

I'm also slowly trying to rebuild my social life. Since the day I got sick, I withdrew myself from the world in many ways, avoiding social situations where I would feel awkward meeting new people and making new friends because of my appearance and physical limitations. I preferred a comfort zone of people who knew what was happening and who I could be myself around. Breaking out of this zone has been extremely tough for me because my confidence has eroded away while sitting at home or spending time in hospitals. But, as with everything else, I am working my way back.

My regular checkups continue as well. Depending on the test (blood test or imaging test), some are performed monthly and some are a bit more spread out. Because these tests happen so often, this battle is still a mental roller-coaster, as the days leading up to each exam bring higher levels of stress and anxiety. But I am taking action to help deal with these emotions and prevent them from coming at such extremes. Things like deep breathing/meditation exercises have helped me stay focused and relaxed around test time.

My family continues to press on as we try and distance ourselves from this disease. We've made an effort to bring more inspirational forces and humor into our house to accelerate the healing process. I continue to appreciate the support I have here - I know that in many ways, I am extremely blessed.

The Recurrence - Dealing with Setbacks

"Life is a series of experiences, each of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward."

Henry Ford

A very very close friend suggested that I spend some time on this blog sharing the specific thoughts and feelings I had as I encountered significant setbacks over the past 2 years.

One of the most devastating setbacks I experienced since my diagnosis was the recurrence, which was detected in February of 2008. This was almost 1 year after my initial diagnosis. I had just returned from Tampa Bay where I had attended a funeral for a very close friend (something I will be posting about later on), and I was due for my routine checkup.

When the doctor called with the abnormal blood test result, it was actually my Mom who answered the phone. She then relayed the message to me and my Dad, and we were crushed. It felt like someone took a large hammer and smashed to pieces all the hope that had been building up in my mind since going into remission 4 months prior. The hope of returning to my normal life, going back to work, meeting that special someone and putting this all behind me. With one phone call, boom! It was gone.

At first I was consumed with anger. I was angry at my doctor, at the world and at God. I couldn't believe that after all I had been through, all the suffering and pain I had endured from my chemo and surgeries, all the sacrifices my family had made, the disease was still lingering. I couldn't understand how me dying from this disease would positively impact the world.

After anger came fear. We had already exhausted so many treatment options in that year, and all that was left was fairly experimental with little track record for success. I didn't want to go through more chemo, but more importantly, I didn't want to go through chemo where the doctors had no idea what the chances of success would be. Beyond that, I began to fear how my family would handle this latest challenge - would my parents be able to cope with the pressure? Would my brother be able to focus on school knowing this was happening to me back home? More treatment meant putting the return to my normal life on hold for much longer than I had ever anticipated. Having to think through all the possibilities was an agonizing experience.

After fear came self-pity. At the time I was still at that point where I was feeling sorry for myself, and this setback only made it worse. All that anger and fear building up corrupted my mind and made me wonder why I should even bother continuing to fight. Sometimes I thought to myself, even if I get through this, is my future quality of life going to be good enough where it's worth it?

Looking back now on the chain of emotions I experienced, I realize that what I was feeling at that time was very normal. It was ok for me to be angry and afraid given the new developments and what it meant about my future. The key, though, was not giving up mentally. Deep down, in my soul or subconscious or whatever you want to call it, I never let myself quit. And I believe that's why I'm still carrying on today.

There's a big difference between physically quitting and mentally quitting. Physically quitting would have meant not going for the next treatment at all, an option I would never have even considered. Mentally quitting would have meant following through the treatment, but giving up all hope that the treatment had any chance of working. This attitude would have doomed me from the start. Mentally quitting is like throwing in the towel before the Round 1 bell even rings.

What I learned from going through the recurrence is that setbacks are an essential part of life and everyone must deal with them. Setbacks help to build your inner-strength and confidence, and if you're not having any, you're probably going the wrong way. But when you encounter a setback, you cannot let the anger, fear and uncertainty caused by this event allow you to mentally quit on your goal. Do everything you can to ensure that mentally, you're continuing to fight and work hard to achieve what you want. For me, this motivation came from my strong desire to live a long life and positively impact this world in some way.

Developing and maintaining that mental focus has allowed me to get to where I am today. And even though I have since faced additional setbacks in my battle, I feel that by not quitting on myself mentally, I am doing everything in my power to live the right way. No matter how this turns out for me, the fact that I didn't quit is something that I will always be proud of.

Be well...