Surgery Next Week

I went to see a thoracic surgeon today and, after speaking with him, have decided to have lung surgery to remove this latest lung tumor. Since discovering this lesion, there has been a mental tennis match going on in my head between lung surgery and cyberknife radiation. And this was no ordinary tennis match. This was like a Federer vs. Nadal epic 5-setter. I went back and forth multiple times, but at the end of the day, surgery seems like the best way to go.

My biggest concern was that an additional lung surgery might severely compromise my lung function, but the doctor assured me that this would not have to be a very extensive procedure and that the recovery would be quick.

I expect to have it done early next week but don't know exactly what day. I feel more relaxed now that I have a plan. I did my homework, and there's not much else I can do except stay calm and trust the doctors to do their jobs.

My brother comes home this weekend to visit, so I expect to kick back with him, hang out with friends and get myself ready for next week. I am sure all will go well and I will be running around again soon.

Have a good weekend...

How I Learned to Appreciate Each and Every Moment

Despite what I wrote in my blog's sub-header (see above), it is about much more than my fight against cancer. It's about all the events in my life from the past two years, disease-related or not, that have had an impact on me. And no events impacted me more than the deaths of two friends just over a year ago.

I lost two 26-year old friends within the span of one month, both due to tragic accidents, in early 2008. They passed away in between my lung surgery in November 2007 and before my disease recurred in March 2008, a period of time when I thought I was cancer-free.

The first, Sumit, was a college friend and housemate. He suffered a brain injury in an accident which he could not recover from. You won't meet many people like Sumit. He had a very charismatic personality which drew people in like mosquitoes to a bug zapper (of course he wouldn't zap them when they came close). He was a fun-loving, intelligent and generous person with an infectious smile and laugh. We had our differences in school, but I had a lot of respect for him. Although we hadn't kept in touch too well since leaving Michigan, anytime we saw each other it seemed like no time had passed.

I was always amazed at how Sumit so effortlessly made friends. I think it had a lot to do with the way he paid attention and took an interest in your life when speaking to you. He was someone who cared about his friends, and showed it in so many ways. That's why it came as no surprise to me when I heard that friends and colleagues from every part of his world attended his memorial services in New Jersey and Chicago to celebrate his life. I wasn't able to attend either one because I was still recovering from my lung surgery at the end of 2007, but I wish I could have been there to honor him.

Before the shock of Sumit's passing had worn off, another friend passed. Ali, a childhood friend who I had known for almost 15 years, was killed in a mid-air collision of two fighter jets off the coast of Florida. He was an Air Force fighter pilot and was flying one of the jets.

Ali was an amazing friend and an inspiration to me in so many ways. He is the only person I have ever known who ended up doing what he dreamed of doing as a 12-year old. He wanted to become a fighter pilot then, and he never let go of that dream. He was unique in that he always stayed true to himself, never altering his personality for anyone. I truly admired and respected him for his unique sense of humor and his intelligence. He was even a caring guy, though he had a funny way of showing it (you can talk to his younger brother Ibrahim about that).

Fortunately, I had recovered enough at that point to be able to attend Ali's funeral in Florida. It was one of the saddest, yet inspirational, experiences of my life. I say inspirational because the burial ceremony blended aspects of our traditional Muslim burial ceremony with those of the Air Force burial ceremony. It's hard to describe the feeling of seeing 40 members of the Air Force in full uniform standing in a mosque and joining in a prayer for Ali. It was a one-of-a-kind experience.

I could go on writing about these two guys all night. Frankly, what I've written so far hasn't even begun to scratch the surface of describing their amazing qualities. It was an honor just to know them. But even though they left a strong impression on me while alive, the truth is their passing left an even stronger impression on me.

Despite the fact that I was already fighting cancer, it wasn't until those two passed that I finally realized the value of each and every single second we have on this earth. Here I was, fighting a vicious disease, undergoing powerful chemotherapy and numerous surgeries. Physically, I was weak, tired and felt broken. And yet, of the three of us, I am the only one still here.

Both of them were strong and healthy, moving forward with their lives and accomplishing amazing things. You can argue that Ali's profession was risky, but the fact is that he was an expert pilot, and the accident which caused his death was not his fault and was out of his control. And with Sumit, the freakish circumstances which led to his death are about as likely as getting hit by lightning.

And yet, the fact remains that both of them have moved on, while I remain to continue fighting my battle. I often think about Sumit and Ali, maybe more so because I have been confronted with my own mortality at a young age. I'll never be able to make sense of the randomness and unlikelihood of it all. I guess that's what they call destiny, and destiny can be very fickle.

As I write this today, my ongoing fight with cancer has only served to reinforce what I learned a year ago about the value and fragility of life. These tragic events make it very apparent that it doesn't matter how healthy you are or aren't, or what you are doing in life. I believe that if your time's up, then your time's up. There's nothing you can do about it.

I miss those two very much. Their families are the true heroes, persevering despite the hardship and even providing moral support and encouragement to me. I know it's hard considering what they've dealt with.

I try to go out each day now with a purpose. Yes, I am still fighting the battle, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate the time I have, and value each and every moment. I'm sure if Sumit and Ali were here, they would tell me the exact same thing - to make the most of every day, have fun and live with a purpose. Nobody knows when their time is up, but I think almost everyone has a chance to make the most of the time they are given.

Fight on...

Don't let the Problems Stop You from Enjoying Life

I just got back from visiting with my medical oncologist and I'm about as confused as one can be. Yesterday, after meeting with a radiation oncologist, I was very close to going forward with the cyber-knife treatment option. Today, I am back on the fence as my oncologist, a man I trust, reiterated his strong support for surgical resection. The basic argument is that surgery has a long and well-established track record for treating my disease, but cyber-knife does not. So it's not that cyber-knife is a bad option, it's that it may be slightly less effective.

I'm going to spend almost all of the next few days deciding which way to go. Notice I said almost all. This is because tonight, my beloved Michigan Wolverines will play in their first NCAA basketball tournament game since 1998, a couple years before I became a student there. For those of you who don't follow college basketball closely, especially Michigan basketball, this has been a very long drought, and today's game represents a significant milestone in our return to college hoops relevancy. I've been waiting for this day a long time, and I'm not going to let all the other nonsense in my life affect my ability to enjoy this game.

So for two hours tonight, I am going to sit back and enjoy watching my team play. I don't care if we win or lose. Yes, there is a lot of bad stuff going on in my life, and I could just stay stressed out and depressed 24/7, but that's how you miss enjoying the great moments.

I've learned that you can't let your problems in life stop you from enjoying the special moments. At the end of the day, regardless of whether you live 100 years or 40 years, it's the special moments that you'll truly savor. If you let those pass you by while you obsess over what's wrong in your life, you'll have nothing to remember at the end. So no matter what is happening in your life, if something good comes along, take a minute, set aside your problems, and enjoy the moment.

Go Blue!!

Moving Forward

Yesterday's afternoon consultation I had with the radiation oncologist to discuss the possibility of using cyber-knife radiation to treat my current lung lesion went very well. I am very close to moving forward with that option instead of surgery. The doctor was a very pleasant, intelligent and experienced man who spoke with confidence, something not many doctors like to do. It's always nice when a doctor seems more confident because it gives the patient confidence, and having confidence goes a long way in helping you maintain a positive attitude.

Cyber-knife radiation, a targeted form of radiation which focuses a large amount of radiation on a very small area of the body, is truly a remarkable technological breakthrough. The radiation beam is actually able to adjust for the natural movements in the lungs caused by breathing in and out. This means that the beam is always hitting the exact tumor location- always. To me that sounds pretty incredible.

Tomorrow I'm going to circle back with my medical oncologist and try to get everyone on the same page. He made it clear to me on Monday that he supports surgery, and the difference of opinion does make this a tough choice. But based on what I've heard thus far, I believe that cyber-knife will be equally as effective as surgery, and obviously much less invasive. And, considering the fact that I've already been through a major lung surgery, I'd like to avoid another one if possible.

That's all I got for today. Tonight I'm pushing the off button on the stress machine, sitting down and watching my favorite show Lost. I highly recommend you do the same.

Be well...

Busy Morning

I have a few moments right now in between appointments to post a quick update. This morning I had to go to the hospital to get an abdominal CT scan done. One lesion was spotted in my lung last week, and we need to ensure that there are no other visible signs of disease anywhere else in the body before we proceed with treatment. The existence of multiple lesions would rule out local treatment options such as surgery or localized radiation to treat the lung lesion.

This afternoon I'm going out to downtown LA to meet with a radiation oncologist to discuss the possibility of using something called cyber-knife radiation to fry this tumor. Cyber-knife is an advanced form of targeted radiation that would be able to focus large amounts of radiation on a very small area. This option would be far less invasive than surgery, but possibly not as effective. I have heard opinions on both sides of the debate, and as usual, its up to me and my family to make the decision. Considering the fact my family's combined medical training is 2 years of pharmacy school going on 3(thanks bro), I'm not sure we should be the ones deciding here. But we have faith that we will make the right decisions.

I feel pretty good today. I'm a bit anxious as I don't know how the rest of these next two weeks will play out, but I've learned that stressing out about them won't get me anywhere. In fact, it will probably set me back.

I hope everyone is having a good day. If not, at least be thankful you're not soaked in arctic ice water! Be well...

The Battle Continues - I Will Not Quit

"Effort only releases its reward after a person refuses to quit."

-Napoleon Hill

It is with some sadness I write today that I've learned my battle with cancer is not over, and that additional treatment awaits me in my near future. Disease has been discovered in my lungs - presumably, these cells have been resistant to all the treatment I've had thus far, hid out for a while, and are beginning to grow back again. We first learned about this last week but it was officially confirmed this morning.

This is my first attempt to write about a current challenge on this blog and so I'm not sure if everything will come together very well, but I will do my best.

Now I can spend a lot of time writing about the details of what has happened, why this has come back, why it won't go away and what the treatment options are, but instead, I want to focus on just one thing: Letting everyone know that I am not going to quit. I will push through this latest obstacle, get it behind me and get myself back on track. My goal has always been to wipe this disease out of my system, I don't intend to change that goal.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that the disease coming back now, after all the punishing treatment I've endured to kill it, is not a good sign. But even still, I refuse to give up.

I don't think I will ever understand why my family and I are being tested like this, but I do know that if I stop trying to win this battle, I will never be satisfied with myself. I think that no matter what happens, I am going to keep working hard and doing my best to find a way out of this. And I'm sure that if I keep up this attitude, doors will open as they always have.

I took the news about this latest setback surprisingly well. I'm not sure exactly why that is, but I haven't shed a tear yet, even though I know this is terrible news. I think it's because I know deep down that I am fighting as hard as I can and I am giving my full effort. I truly and honestly believe that I am doing all I can, so how can I be upset with myself? Clearly this is out of my control, and worrying about things beyond my control is pointless.

So how am I keeping my mind clear and dealing with stress? Primarily I am trying to stay very proactive about searching for a solution. I refuse to believe that there is no solution for this problem on Earth, and since it's here, I'm going to find it. Even if it's not here, I'm going up in a space ship to find it. These last few days I've been extremely busy calling various doctors around the US to get opinions and suggestions on how I should proceed. This has served as a good mental distraction for me.

I'm pretty sure I rambled quite a bit in this post, but the bottom line here is that I refuse to quit. No matter what happens, if I have the strength in me, I will continue to fight this disease. I plan to post regularly now about the current situation and provide updates as they come along. Please pray for my family as we tackle this latest obstacle.

Fight on...

Having Faith that Things Happen for the Best

"Faith is like electricity. You can't see it, but you can see the light."

Unknown

Eight months before I was diagnosed, in August of 2006, I decided to switch jobs. Now I already touched on this story in an earlier post involving my boss, but I am going to take a different angle this time around to share another lesson I've learned.

I decided to take the job because it would give me the opportunity to re-connect with a former co-worker who I had become good friends with, to travel abroad, to work on different kinds of projects and to make more money. Some of those things panned out, and some didn't. But as it turned out, none of them really mattered. Switching jobs became crucial for maintaining my most valuable possession - my health.

Four months into job, I was doing well and my future looked very bright. I had just arrived in Hong Kong, where I would be spending the next year living and working, as well as traveling extensively throughout Asia for business. My first assignment was to assist on the coordination and analytical work to help take one of our portfolio companies public in the U.S. My first three months were consumed with working on this project.

It was a tough assignment, but a valuable learning experience. I made a quick trip back to the US for business at the end of February 2007, and then it was back to Hong Kong. At this point things began to take a negative turn, and I really began to wonder why I had made the decision to take this job.

First, the company that we had helped to go public began to perform poorly, significantly reducing the value of my firm's investment. This was a big blow to us as we were counting on the profits from this deal to help fuel future business. Also, around this time, I was told that my stay in Hong Kong would be extended to possibly two years. I wasn't happy about this as I was already growing weary of the lifestyle on the island and I was looking forward to getting back home. Finally, China began showing some signs of slowing growth, a prospect that would make it much harder for us to do well there.

For these reasons I began to wonder if I had made the right decision. Nothing seemed to be working out the way I had envisioned. My previous job in Los Angeles was stable, I enjoyed working with the team and I was happy with my lifestyle. Why did I leave?

Then I was diagnosed with cancer.

It turned out that this firm supported me unlike any other company would do for someone. Not only have they continued to pay my salary and provide me with health insurance to this day, but they have gone above and beyond in many instances. My boss was kind and generous to my whole family, paying for our accommodations in Hong Kong while I underwent treatment. He gave me flexibility and freedom to focus on my health and not worry about work when I needed it the most.

Nobody could have possibly expected this battle to go on for so long, but nobody in my Company has wavered for a second when it comes to supporting me. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't decided to join.

Looking back as I write this, I realize now that if you give your full effort and commitment to something, be it work, family, or a health battle, you should have faith and believe that whatever happens will happen for the best. As a believer in fate, I believe there's a reason for everything, a reason we don't always see or understand until later on in life.

The reasons for which I thought I was taking my new job (traveling, money., etc.) were not the reasons I took it. Now I see that I was guided to this opportunity because I was going to get sick, and I needed people to support me.

So, even if things seem like they keep going wrong, have faith that there is a reason for these disappointments, and don't allow yourself to give up or doubt your decisions. If you keep working hard, things will happen for the best. Now that doesn't mean that life is going to be all roses, but whatever happens, you will be satisfied that you gave your best.

Be well...

Great Story

I hope everyone had a good week and are enjoying their weekends. I will be back next week with my laughter clips and my next post, but I thought I would post up a story that was forwarded to me that really struck a chord with me. The story is simple but the message is powerful. I hope you like it!

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!

He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost me a lot of money. Why did you do it?

The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took
out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger.

Too shook up for words, the man simply watch ed the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to
remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'

God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.

My Greatest Physical Battle and Perseverance

"Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain."

Unknown

"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did."

Newt Gingrich

One of the main reasons this battle with cancer has been so difficult for me and my family is because of the unexpected challenges we have encountered along the way. One such challenge, which began shortly after my chemo treatments from the fall of 2007, was a physical setback that significantly impaired my quality of life.

Complications related to going through that chemo treatment caused me to have extreme neuropathy in my hands, feet and legs. For those who don't know, this means that I lost most of the feeling and a significant amount of fine motor function in my hands and feet. Neuropathy is a side effect of chemo, but the level of neuropathy I had and the sudden nature in which it all hit me even baffled the doctors. Now, its difficult to describe the feeling of not having any feeling, but I will give some examples of what I had trouble doing to give you a basic idea.

The biggest problem was walking. The nerve damage in my feet was so extreme, I could not walk or even stand without assistance for a month following the chemo. Not having feeling in the feet eliminated my balance, forcing me to use a walker to get around, and even then, I would get tired. I needed help with the most basic of things - just getting from the couch to the dining table, or getting from the couch to the bathroom. My coordination was impaired such that moving without directly staring and concentrating on my feet would result in a loss of balance. While I used to be extremely ticklish in my feet, cringing at the slightest human touch, now I couldn't even feel that human touch. You could have treated my feet like bongo drums and I would have barely noticed.

My hands were no better. The finger coordination was so poor that I had difficulty even holding a pen. I had difficulty holding a spoon or fork to eat, and hot and cold items seemed extremely hot and extremely cold, respectively. My typing ability was significantly impaired; it was so frustrating that for a while, I didn't even bother going on my computer. My hands would often shake and burn, and sometimes they would feel cold and stiff.

Suffice it to say, this was by far the most challenging, humbling and scary experience of my life. My physical limitations made me feel useless, which depressed me. Feeling and coordination is something that I, along with everyone else in this world, takes for granted, and now it was gone. And even when I worked up the motivation to do practice exercises to get the neurons firing again, I would get tired and discouraged, and I quickly gave up and returned to my groove on the couch.

It is very difficult for me to reflect on this period of my life because of how much suffering I went through. My memories of each day back then are vague, partly because I've tried blocking them out for so long. The only reason I think back to it and write about it now is to illustrate just exactly what I have been able to bounce back from thanks to support and perseverance.

I got very mixed opinions from my doctors following that setback. In general, the most common opinion was that the nerve damage would most likely get better over time, but it was unknown if it would get 100% better, or if some neuropathy would linger on forever. Personally, I didn't care about anything the doctors told me at that point, except for one thing: being active and doing practice exercises might help the recovery process.

I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to remain stagnant and useless one minute more. I no longer wanted to sit on the couch, lamenting about the fact that walking was so difficult, or that writing was so hard. So I sucked it up, firmly planted the dream of a normal life in my brain, and got to work. Each day I began pushing myself harder and harder. Despite the pain and fatigue, I stood up and walked around as much as I could as often as I could. I sat down and wrote, typed, and performed other mundane finger exercises for hours to jar that sensation back into place. For many weeks, I felt worse. I felt that what I was doing was pointless as I saw so visible improvement. But I pushed through these mental obstacles because of my desire to get my life back.

Within a few weeks I had ditched the walker and was up and around on my own. Granted, the walking was slow and uneven, but hey, I was walking. The writing/typing took longer to come around, but it eventually did. Before I knew it, I was performing the little tasks I never used to think twice about but had suddenly lost the ability to do. Soon after, I was behind the wheel again, an achievement I was very proud of.

As I write this today, the neuropathy has significantly healed. I still have balance problems and the coordination and feeling in my hands is not back to normal, but I've come a long way from those nightmarish few months.

Now even though the doctors told me that the nerve damage would slowly but surely heal on its own, I know pushing myself to exercise and walk when I couldn't made a big difference, both mentally and physically. The perseverance I was able to draw upon put me back on the healing track. Regardless of what anyone has told me, I have confidence that one day this will all be gone. Maybe I'll even be able to pick up my guitar again.

Before I shut the memory of those few months out of my brain again, I'd like to share what I came away with. I believe that with any problem in life, be it physical or not, if you have the opportunity to solve it, you should seize that opportunity. And even if it takes time and you feel like quitting, be patient, persevere, and believe that what you are doing will allow you to achieve your goal. In my case, the doctors never guaranteed that my neuropathy would improve or even that practice would help, but I believed that it would. This belief, and my desire to be a normal kid again, allowed me to fight through my mental barriers. Getting better has even allowed me to write this blog, as a post this long back then would have taken me 2 weeks to write.

So, in conclusion, fight on!

Laughter Clips of the Week

"We cannot really love anyone with whom we never laugh"

Agnes Repplier

I love you all so I'm making you laugh. By the way, I just posted an update of how I'm doing as of right now, so in case you're interested, it's just below this post. Enjoy the week!



On this 2nd one the laughing is loud in the background, but I highly recommend you pump up the volume, because laughter is contagious...



Have a great week! Look for my next post on Thursday.

Present Day Update

I've been working on crafting my next blog entry, but its taking me much longer than expected. So, rather than not post anything up till the middle of next week, I thought I would fill the gap with an update on how I'm doing today. Most of you who follow this blog closely I probably talk to or see quite often, but for those of you who I don't talk to, this entry should give you a glimpse of where I am at right now in the recovery process. I'm not going to go into too much detail, so if you really want all the dirt, you'll have to call me up.

Each week I feel as though I am continuing to gain my physical strength and energy back. My overall energy level and mental clarity was low after the brain surgery (Dec. 31st, 2008), but those issues have since improved, and continue to improve each day. I am now working out of my office 3 days per week, and working from home 2 days per week. I started this routine 3 weeks ago and I hope to continue it, and then eventually when I feel ready, I will gradually begin to increase time spent in the office as well as overall hours worked. My goal is of course to get back to my original performance level prior to all this.

My free time is spent doing light exercise, reading, playing chess, keeping up with my favorite tv shows, watching Lakers basketball, meeting friends in the area and writing this blog. I haven't gotten back into the gym as of yet, but it's on the short list, along with visiting friends in Chicago and on the East Coast. I try not to think about the future too much, but I do occasionally spend time making tentative plans and generating ideas for what I want to do over the next few years. I have several ideas, most of which involve taking this opportunity to expand my knowledge and diversify my skill set before progressing further in my career.

I'm also slowly trying to rebuild my social life. Since the day I got sick, I withdrew myself from the world in many ways, avoiding social situations where I would feel awkward meeting new people and making new friends because of my appearance and physical limitations. I preferred a comfort zone of people who knew what was happening and who I could be myself around. Breaking out of this zone has been extremely tough for me because my confidence has eroded away while sitting at home or spending time in hospitals. But, as with everything else, I am working my way back.

My regular checkups continue as well. Depending on the test (blood test or imaging test), some are performed monthly and some are a bit more spread out. Because these tests happen so often, this battle is still a mental roller-coaster, as the days leading up to each exam bring higher levels of stress and anxiety. But I am taking action to help deal with these emotions and prevent them from coming at such extremes. Things like deep breathing/meditation exercises have helped me stay focused and relaxed around test time.

My family continues to press on as we try and distance ourselves from this disease. We've made an effort to bring more inspirational forces and humor into our house to accelerate the healing process. I continue to appreciate the support I have here - I know that in many ways, I am extremely blessed.